There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it wasn't lemon gatorade
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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