well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
