don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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