I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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