cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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