Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sext me about skeletons
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
