I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
