The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
