Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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