Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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