If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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