oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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