she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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