I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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