I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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