Will you blow on my dice?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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