You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
