i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
