Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
