Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This gyro tastes like lonliness
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
