listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
