i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
