i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
