Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
