does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
