Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
we're so committed to being not committed
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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