I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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