We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
