She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I love you.
Bad choice
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
