she peed on how many people?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
