Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
