I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
