what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
