A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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