I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
