Can i not drive my cunt home
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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