Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
