Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
