Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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