Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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