So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
