If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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