oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
