My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
