Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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