xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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