Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
