i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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