Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
