Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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