Your mouth is God's brothel.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
How's work?
Spinning.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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