That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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