oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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