you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
